The experts at Positive Coaching Alliance remind us often that mistakes are an inevitable part of the game. They advise parents and coaches alike to focus on a mastery approach that has young athletes giving100% Effort, striving to Learn and improve, and bouncing back from Mistakes. “ELM,” is the handy acronym to remember this mastery approach.
Most of us find that the effort part and learning part are intuitive and easier to implement. But when it comes to helping youth athletes bounce back from mistakes, we have a harder time. If you’re like us, you sometimes struggle with what to say to your child when he or she makes a critical mistake in a game and then climbs into the car frustrated and sullen. We know that talking to our kids about their youth sports experiences is a unique opportunity for parents to translate what our kids learn on the field into life lessons. But how?
This month, we turn to the experts at Positive Coaching Alliance to help us put together a five-step game plan for bouncing back from mistakes.
1. Acknowledge and empathize
Helping your youth athlete bounce back from mistakes starts with acknowledging the mistake and the way they feel about it. That doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with them, especially if your child, like many, is fond of hyperbole and statements like “I am the worst soccer player ever!” But it does mean recognizing that their feelings of disappointment and frustration are real and should be acknowledged and respected. “I know you’re disappointed. I would be too.” And as Jim Thompson, founder of Positive Coaching Alliance reminds us, “Your goal is to get your child to talk, so ask rather than tell. Save the telling for another time."
2. Cooling Off
Kids (and adults alike) need some time to cool off from the emotion of what happened before a rational conversation can happen to translate that mistake into the all-important life lesson. Many parents (and coaches) like to stop off at a restaurant or for an ice cream cone after a game to give kids a chance to “reset” and cool off. Think about inserting an activity between the end of the game and arriving at home that gets your athlete’s mind on something else.
But a word of caution: you might be surprised at how much more quickly kids can let go of emotions as compared to adults, especially younger kids. We should not assume our kids are upset over mistakes. We certainly don’t want to ask about how they're feeling about the mistakes, when they have long ago forgotten about it!
3. Reviewing the Game
Once your child has had a chance to cool off, you have the opportunity to talk about the game together. But a word to the wise: avoid the play-by-play review (which isn’t an easy task). Instead, acknowledge the mistake but also remind your child about the good things he or she did during the game. If you used positive charting while you were in the stands, you’d have some documented examples of their positive plays to share. Watch the video above to see a coach use positive charting in a practice, a tool parents can also use at games. Think about what they were working on in practice or what their effort goals were. Remind them how well they kept those lessons in mind and actually accomplished their effort goals.
“This week you and your teammates were focused on passing in practice and you guys did such a terrific job of passing three times before taking a shot. Your pass to Jill was that extra pass that made Jill’s goal possible.”
4. Focus on the bigger picture
Bouncing back from mistakes happens when the mistakes are put into perspective. Oftentimes kids magnify their own actions (how many times have they told you, “everyone was looking at me!”). Help your athlete understand that his or her mistake was part of a bigger picture.
“Sure, your pass was intercepted. Unfortunately our defense couldn’t get to her, and she scored. She was fast – the whole team was struggling to defend against her. But, you know, your thought to pass the ball was right on. You could feel the defender coming on and wanted to avoid losing possession. So what would you do differently if the exact same situation happened again?” And then listen to their response. “Yeah, just like Coach keeps reminding everyone, sometimes you have to take a deep breath and not panic and make sure you look to both the left and the right to find your best opportunity. And even then, there is no guarantee that the ball might not be stolen. But you’ll have the confidence of knowing you made your best pass in that moment. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that very lesson – that I need to not panic, take a deep breath and survey the situation. Just last week at work, I wished I had…..”
Another helpful tool here is the “you’re the kind of person” statements that Positive Coaching Alliance uses. “You’re the kind of kid that doesn't give up easily. You have this amazing ability to pick yourself back up and keep trying. This situation is no different.”
5. Next time
And last but not least, bouncing back from mistakes means recognizing that there is a “next time.” Remind your kids that they’ll have the chance to “re-do it” in the next game. “This was only one game and there are six more this season.” Then help your children get ready for that next game, that next chance, by supporting their efforts to improve that area of their game. It goes back to effort and learning (the other two parts of the mastery approach). Help your children set effort goals related to the past mistake, then congratulate them when they meet those goals. Even when the coach or other teammates don’t realize your child has met this inner goal, you do! Your recognition of this means the world to your youth athlete.
One last note: kids aren’t the only ones who need to bounce back from mistakes. Despite our best efforts, sometimes we as parents and coaches make mistakes in trying to help our kids learn from their youth sports experiences. If you try the game plan and it doesn’t work the first time, remind yourself of the underlying message and try again. Continue to make the effort. Continue to learn and bounce back from your mistakes. You are not only continuing your commitment to your child, you’re serving as a valuable mirror to illustrate how these lessons translate to life off the field as well.
For more ideas on how to help your athletes bounce back from mistakes, visit The Art of Conversation between Parents and Athletes section of the Responsible Sport Parenting guide. Have thoughts you’d like to share with us or the Responsible Sports Community? Email us at team@responsiblesports.com.
Good luck!
