Posted on April 2, 2010: My daughter's coach changes his mind about playing time
A Responsible Sports Fan suggested the following Scenario Question:
Your daughter's coach informs you that your child will be sitting out the last game of a four-game tournament because he needs his strongest players in the game. During the last two innings, he tells your daughter to get her gear, she's going in. When your child is waiting on direction from the coach, he changes his mind both times and sends her back to the bench. Following the game, your daughter is in tears, because she thinks the coach lied to her. As a parent, do you ask the coach to explain his decision to her or do you just do your best to explain it yourself? How do you talk to your child about decisions made by the coach, when the coach will not?
Dear April,
Depending on your daughter’s age, I think it’s fine to encourage your daughter to approach the coach herself to talk about this situation. Sports provide countless life-lesson opportunities, and here is a chance for your daughter to build up her courage to talk with her coach about a tough issue. If your daughter can learn this sort of skill from youth sports, she’ll be much better off down the road when she has to approach a teacher/professor about a grade with which she does not agree, or when she has to approach a boss about a decision she did not understand.
If you feel your child is too young to approach the coach herself, then you can certainly ask the coach if he’s willing to explain his thought process directly to your daughter. Make sure to have this conversation with the coach privately and certainly not in front of your daughter. The coach may not even realize that he has upset your daughter, and he may really appreciate this insight from you.
Finally, if the coach is unwilling to address the topic with your daughter, you could talk with your daughter about it and perhaps provide her with some alternatives to consider about her coach’s actions. Did the other team change something that impacted the coach’s thinking about getting her in the game? You could also use an all-powerful “you’re the kind of person who” statement, where you tell your daughter, “I’m so proud of you because you’re the kind of person who bounces back from this sort of tough situation with even more determination,” or “I love you so much because you’re the kind of person who keeps working hard to get better, even when you don’t play in every game.”
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